Wednesday, May 21, 2014


I touched the awakening grass the other day with my awakening foot (the one that I broke in February).
I cried tears of sorrow for myself (aka pity party)
and I cried tears of deep gratitude for being able to hobble outside to even do so.
I caressed young buds, replanted some upturned tulip bulbs (thank you squirrels for that gift)
and i sat and inhaled my renewing view with renewed hope that I'll heal, that I'll hike without fear of breaking more bones or of my little one breaking anything..

I've sat for months looking out the window with such longing, such sadness...such hollowness inside of me
missing, so missing Life at it walked.drove, ran, made snow forts and continued about it's business without me.  It hurt deeper than any pain I've ever experienced.

And I felt such thankfulness when I thought about the reason this happened, for surely there's a reason why my life was halted so that I could just sit, and lay, and sit again...all the while loads of energy focused to my broken bones and severed nerves.

Now...I begin to walk without crutches or cast or airboot.  I walk slowly and awkwardly...but I walk nonetheless.  My bones and ligaments scream as they are stretched and manipulated back into place...and at the same time rejoice "we're free!!"  "when can we drive?"  "when can we rollerblade?"

Rejuvenation, re-nurturing, and Spring.  Now what the hell is my re-purpose??

Wednesday, January 22, 2014

I am listening

So many times I've thought about coming back give the gremlins a wider space to roam, to express themselves more freely and to gain wisdom once I've heard their sincerest words.
Fuck, but they are loud and ugly and mean and plain old crabby!  They won't shut up...I fear their voices are leaking into mine, and I see myself morph into someone I don't like sometimes.  More times than I care to admit.

Upon reflecting what my 2014 word would be...Love keeps on knocking.  Love instead of anger, frustration, resentment, anxiety, stagnation, painful triggers and raw oozing festering unhealing wounds.  I search for the specifics of this Love, how do I access it again...I can't remember beyond fleeting hugs.  It feels unobtainable, dying in a barren wasteland because of the poisonous I've set to seed instead.

Not the most cheerful return post...yet it's truthful and worth digging around in to reclaim listening to my gremlins.

Friday, February 1, 2013

door lessons

he loved me so much
that he closed the door on me
so that i could learn to open it myself *

Why is it that wisdom comes from experience?

I have parents that still to this day tell me how to do this or that thinking that I actually may listen. I didn't listen when I was young, why would I now?  Except, back then, their constant 'parental guidance' must have sunk in some way because a part of  me never grew up knowing I could do anything I wanted to, on my own.  Now living with them again, I can see that it's just their way of loving their's the only way that they know how to love...just wish I wasn't so damned triggered by it.

Everything happens for a reason though right, so here I am full circle, living with my folks, raising my own offspring, trying to teach her to be independent while fending off my parents to let her do it herself (and me too while we're at it).

So, back to my question - why does wisdom come from experience?  For me, I need to feel the success of my own making otherwise I'm not going to know I could do it in the first place.  Only took me 40 odd years to gain that pearl of wisdom, lol.  And so encouraged by my 'aha!' moment, I begin to layout my aspirations in front of me and figure out ways to make them happen.  And if I get stuck, then I ask...but not before, that way I know I tried instead of being fed the answer.  There's success in the effort.

And, I share this pearl with with my daughter...managing her emotions, using her words, scrambling eggs and making her own 'snack board', walking alone onto the school yard...telling her i know she can do it all because she just can, and if she needs help, I'm here for her.  She sometimes looks at me with fear in her if I'm abandoning her to this impossible task (and oh I have my own inner child version of that look too) but with persistent tenderness, she learns to believe in her own ability...and I believe in mine.

Amazing we are both learning this about ourselves at the same time....38 years apart.  Or is it our journey as two souls who chose each other on this earthwalk to teach one another.

I'm ok with wisdom coming from experience.  I'd rather it not be a pain-filled one...but with each one, hopefully it no longer has to be.

I can open my own doors.

*dedicated to Mike and the soul-lessons he brought with his love

Friday, October 12, 2012

the sound of mike

Many months ago I asked Goddess to send me someone whom I could learn with and from..a real person instead of words in a book to further my lust for all Life has to offer. 

And so a fine looking fellow came across my Plenty of Fish troll and I took the bait.
I was wary at first...but drawn to this engaging, honest, authentic, comical and sexual energy wrapped in honor and respect of a man...
I let go of all fear and trepedation and plunged in joyfully.

She responded to my request of course in the form of Love.
A love so deep, so intimate, so unwaivingly giving that I was knocked on my ass with it's brilliance and purety.
And I was split open
left breathless and wordless
shuddering and giggling
absolutely shaken of everything I thought I knew. 
I embraced parts of myself that I felt shame for too many years...
and learned that I could be loved as I truly am. 

"it's what I do."

He was a perfect gift from Her.

Many months later, I sit aching for his presence back in my life.
He taught me that words mean nothing without action, that self-love comes from within, to accept was healthier than to deny....
and laying down of useless burdens was the key to living.

That joie de vivre can be had at any fucking time, just choose it already!
(i'm still learning this one).

He gave me many pearls...
He loved me beyond love of myself. 
And I held the depth of his love against self-hatred, guilt and shame and self-destruction.

That repeated act lacerated us beyond repair. 

So, to She that is wiser...thank you for pushing me forward to get this lesson, really. 
But the price was too high (just in case my opinion matters in the bigger scheme of things.)

To Mike, on his birthday...thank you for your love and wisdom...
I know you want nothing more than for me to see my own beauty...
You opened my eyes up to me
and gave me a glimpse of what it feels like to be loved in it's most blessed form.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

cracked open

I saw Deb's helping hand
then I hopped into the shower with tears stuck in my throat and an ache in my heart.
I've wanted a life of choosing and following my own bliss for so long now
and I've feared what may come through that open door for so long too
that I unwillingly sealed it shut with self-doubt and aim-less terror and goal-less goop.

Fuck that.

And so I begin again with goddess-given enthusiasm
and an oath to myself that, damn it, it begins here and with me.

Fuck fear and all the other crap that comes from hiding behind that door
Got my crow bar welded of courage, tenacity and a huge dollop of inspiration
from angels in disguise.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

I take thee

I've come a long way since June...
and in June I thought I'd come a long way since February
since December, and so on...
Every time I look back at where I've come from,
I realize I've healed more...
when I didn't even know there was more healing to be had.

Of course, of course there's more healing to come
memories still pounce on me once in awhile
but there's more good ones than painful ones, and those ones,
I breathe through so that the pain doesn't sit and fester.

Awhile back I started writing morning pages prompted by Jamie Ridler Studios
prompted by Julia Cameron, author of The Artist's Way.
Create a space for your consciousness to write freely
for 30 days,  every day, 30 mins or 3 pgs.
It is a Goddess-sent gift...still in November
It's where I gain clarity about things I didn't know were unclear
Where I dump all the tornadoe-ing thoughts
Where I throw out the useless ones (guilt, shame, denial)
and strengthen the authentically ME ones...

In these pages I realize the ME that I thought I was/am
has been transformed into...well, is still morphing into her Self.
The other day I was trying to figure out where I stand with dating
('cause I'm single every other weekend don't you know!)
Am I ready? why do I want to? Is it a healthy choice right now?
How about  "friends-with-benefits" instead??
And my consciousness starts waving her arms frantically, yelling -

OK, so apparently not even sex is not worth all that...
and if that's how I really feel, well then
sheesh I don't need to tell me twice!

Except I still feel lonely...

After much calmer 3 pages later, I get my answer...

I am worth spending the time with and getting to know more intimately
I am worth treating with respect and nurturing and nourishing
I am worth the time and effort and committment and responsibity
I am worth supporting & believing in
I can be my own new lover...and put all the effort into myself instead.

When I treat myself with the same love I would another
I create the strongest foundation and roots to my Self, Goddess,
my daughter and to others.
It's through this Self-knowing that I stop ducking around myself,
be the ME that I'm meant to be in the THE BIG PLAN
To fully live my life so that I can start experiencing
all the wonderful parts of my journey.

I understand now why some choose to "marry" themselves
to unite with as much excitement and gusto as they would another...
to committ to a lifetime together
through thick and thin, good times & bad, sickness & in health.
because if all else fails
there's still Me, my Self and I...and nothing can tear that bond.

and as a wedding gift to myself?
rechargeable batteries
and a new pen.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

* letting love flow through the broken dam of fear

i am struggling between fear and pain...real surprise there
and in the tornadoe of those feelings
where all the bugs are smooshed up against my windshield
i can't see my way
and i can't see that i'm safe and cared for
and most of all i can't feel gratitude.

not to say that i accept this place of suck-ness
it's a moment of awareness that allows me to know
that it's time to choose (again)....

torment or peace
frozen or forward
past or present

"it's not really a choice love..."(my wise inner voice interjects)
"...this ain't gettin you nowhere...
so move on little brave one, i'm am here, cheering you on
holding you up and opening all sorts of doors for you to walk through.
Trust Me's ok, I won't abandon you, I won't lie to you
and I won't steer you wrong, no way no how. Let My Love replace your fear."

...and just like that, as fear-full tears spills down my cheeks, I am free...
and connected and oh so encouraged to stand up and walk through the fear for change.

*I am grateful for this complete stream of consciousness flowing and freeing