cracked open

I saw Deb's helping hand
then I hopped into the shower with tears stuck in my throat and an ache in my heart.
I've wanted a life of choosing and following my own bliss for so long now
and I've feared what may come through that open door for so long too
that I unwillingly sealed it shut with self-doubt and aim-less terror and goal-less goop.

Fuck that.

And so I begin again with goddess-given enthusiasm
and an oath to myself that, damn it, it begins here and with me.

Fuck fear and all the other crap that comes from hiding behind that door
Got my crow bar welded of courage, tenacity and a huge dollop of inspiration
from angels in disguise.

I take thee

I've come a long way since June...
and in June I thought I'd come a long way since February
since December, and so on...
Every time I look back at where I've come from,
I realize I've healed more...
when I didn't even know there was more healing to be had.

Of course, of course there's more healing to come
memories still pounce on me once in awhile
but there's more good ones than painful ones, and those ones,
I breathe through so that the pain doesn't sit and fester.

Awhile back I started writing morning pages prompted by Jamie Ridler Studios
prompted by Julia Cameron, author of The Artist's Way.
Create a space for your consciousness to write freely
for 30 days,  every day, 30 mins or 3 pgs.
It is a Goddess-sent gift...still in November
It's where I gain clarity about things I didn't know were unclear
Where I dump all the tornadoe-ing thoughts
Where I throw out the useless ones (guilt, shame, denial)
and strengthen the authentically ME ones...

In these pages I realize the ME that I thought I was/am
has been transformed into...well, is still morphing into her Self.
The other day I was trying to figure out where I stand with dating
('cause I'm single every other weekend don't you know!)
Am I ready? why do I want to? Is it a healthy choice right now?
How about  "friends-with-benefits" instead??
And my consciousness starts waving her arms frantically, yelling -
RESPONSIBILITY FOR SOMEONE ELSE??!!??  HELLO???
BURDENN!!  COMMITTMENNT!!
ARE YOU FREAKING CRAZY??!!??

OK, so apparently not even sex is not worth all that...
and if that's how I really feel, well then
sheesh I don't need to tell me twice!

Except I still feel lonely...

After much calmer 3 pages later, I get my answer...

I am worth spending the time with and getting to know more intimately
I am worth treating with respect and nurturing and nourishing
I am worth the time and effort and committment and responsibity
I am worth supporting & believing in
I can be my own new lover...and put all the effort into myself instead.

When I treat myself with the same love I would another
I create the strongest foundation and roots to my Self, Goddess,
my daughter and to others.
It's through this Self-knowing that I stop ducking around myself,
be the ME that I'm meant to be in the THE BIG PLAN
To fully live my life so that I can start experiencing
all the wonderful parts of my journey.

I understand now why some choose to "marry" themselves
to unite with as much excitement and gusto as they would another...
to committ to a lifetime together
through thick and thin, good times & bad, sickness & in health.
because if all else fails
there's still Me, my Self and I...and nothing can tear that bond.

and as a wedding gift to myself?
rechargeable batteries
and a new pen.

* letting love flow through the broken dam of fear

i am struggling between fear and pain...real surprise there
and in the tornadoe of those feelings
where all the bugs are smooshed up against my windshield
i can't see my way
and i can't see that i'm safe and cared for
and most of all i can't feel gratitude.

not to say that i accept this place of suck-ness
it's a moment of awareness that allows me to know
that it's time to choose (again)....

torment or peace
frozen or forward
past or present

"it's not really a choice love..."(my wise inner voice interjects)
"...this ain't gettin you nowhere...
so move on little brave one, i'm am here, cheering you on
holding you up and opening all sorts of doors for you to walk through.
Trust Me love...it's ok, I won't abandon you, I won't lie to you
and I won't steer you wrong, no way no how. Let My Love replace your fear."

...and just like that, as fear-full tears spills down my cheeks, I am free...
and connected and oh so encouraged to stand up and walk through the fear for change.

*I am grateful for this complete stream of consciousness flowing and freeing

i long to tell you about all that i've gone through in the past few months
and what our daughter has experienced in her heart
not what she allows you to see.

(if you stood long enough to listen in earnest though, Guilt would smash through your stronghold of concrete denial and crush you before you utter your elaborate apology)

i long to here your answers to my whys...
why you took a coward's way...a liar's way...and dumped all your responsibilites
to be a cheater and a disney dad instead.

(i'm told i'll never know the answers to those heart-torturing questions by the experts,  seasoned and t-shirt wearers, so give it up and move on)

Instead, I look for the leasson that i've learned since leaving you
and feel gratitude sooth out the anger and begin to feel freedom replace my sorrow...

It's not that you are clueless to the rubble you've left behind
it's just that it's one more piece of baggage you shrug off
to walk into the sun rising on your new & improved life.

(hell yes i'm still angry, it'll take alot longer than 9mths to heal through this, so deal with it)

mostly, I long to feel peace again...
that deep within calm that no amount of crappy memories
or seeing you both together can disrupt.

mostly, I long to peek into our future, mine and hers...
a glimpse of the adventures we'll continue to share together as she blossoms into adolescence
and I remain wildly in-love with our revived and re-fertilized dreams.

self care through grief 101

sometimes
occassionally
from time to time
i go to places i shouldn't go to...

in my mind, in my triple heart warmer and in my hara
there are places that i need to avoid for now and places i need to sit in the thick of it.

to discern which is which is challenging
i lie and tell myself that this place is good...i need to see reality...
a big ugly lie that pours acid on my rawness
and burns even deeper wounds.

this is what this has done for me...
it is giving me the gift of choosing
healthy, nourishing and balancing
or
crushing, depleting and derailing.

choices that i didn't feel i always had the power to have input into...
choices that scare the crap outta me
choices that remind me that i'm still learning to care for myself
and like a child i know what's safe & not...and sometimes choose otherwise.

this morning I chose not....
but,  i got this instead:

"never, never, NEVER let your memories become bigger that your dreams."

i got re-directed...someone else over-rode my choice today (i know Who)

i can sit on the rollercoaster of suffocating memories of cruel lies and betraying acts
or i can get off that ad nauseum
and paint trees, build hope, journey to my heart...

live into my future instead of die with the past.

thank You for the reminder.

can You stick around...just in case...

I not We

There is a shift that's occurred... in me, in my perspective of my life now and what needs laying to rest.

Tragedies bring us to our knees, blow us to smithereens or make us feel like it's not worth living anymore.  My own personal tragedy did all those to me...I scrambled to make it all right, to do what was asked of me...to salvage what I thought was worth saving.  When Truth finally said enough was enough and dragged my aching heart out of that soul crushing life, I fought her every step of the way, although deep down, I knew Truth was right in her desire to preserve what last ounces of dignity I had left.

I didn't believe that time would lend itself to healing or wanting any other life than the one I had...I believed only in my pain, sorrow and regret. I didn't believe that my daughter and I could be happy in our new life without him...I believed that this would pass, that forgiveness on all our parts would heal the cruelty and that we were meant to continue walking this road together.

despite Reality...

Reality was a bitch, she taunted me with memories that haunted me during the day and tormented me in my dreams. Reality threw fucking shit into my face every pick-up and drop-off...and reality was uncompassionately sobering.

Reality brought clarity, perspective and her good friend Truth once more. Reality still hurts...but man it's better than self-deluding lies.

Reality is gifting me the opportunity to put myself back together with brutal honesty about my strengths and weaknesses and by forgiving myself for my mistakes.

In Terri St. Clouds poem "Best Parts", she wrote about this part of healing so beautifully that these words are now carved into my healing canvas:

she let go of the shame

and the guilt.

seeing that she couldn't have

become who she was

without those past mistakes.

it was time to

honor them

and thank them,

and know that they were

some of the best parts

of her.

I know now what I didn't know these past few months...

This tragedy has been a gift...it still is...I'm discovering the depths of my strength, my integrity and especially the expansiveness of my Mother Love.  My aspirations are not limited by anyone else anymore because they have been birthed out of a death that I alone triumphed through.

I am my own hero.

Wishcasing Wednesday ~ feeding my hunger

There is an undeniable magic that happens when you speak your dreams and others support them. You and your wish feel held in loving tenderness...in admitting your dreams out loud, they begin to take shape, to hold a weight of their own...to manifest. That's just the community that Jamie fosters every Wishcasting Wednesday. Today's wish that begs to be asked is "what hunger do you wish to feed?"


In growing through the debris of what once was, I feel a deep, deep hunger to follow my intuitive dreams to be of service to others, especially those struggling to triumph through post-partum mood disorder (PMD). Back in November I whispered this hunger to my soul sister, then I wrote it down in my goal journal...and since then I've been speaking about it to others when it tells me it needs to be heard. I do feel like it could be a pipe dream...and maybe it sounds like that to others who don't know that I'm more than a currently unemployed-recently-separated-single mom, I mean what right do I have to follow my dream when I should just get the best paying, perhaps soul-sucking job I can find and survive on that?


No, those people don't know me...and I don't wan't to know them. Nay sayers do not have a place in my life anymore.


No, it's not a pipe dream...it lives inside of me gathering energy and momentum as I help to align what needs to be in order for it to happen. I'm dreaming and wishing big because I have a responsibility to get on with what my life experience's were gifted to me for.


This hunger is so palpible I can feel it's vortex in my bones. I will feed it through my action and other's who have a similar hunger. My PMD wraparound community clinic will happen, one bite at a time.