I take thee

I've come a long way since June...
and in June I thought I'd come a long way since February
since December, and so on...
Every time I look back at where I've come from,
I realize I've healed more...
when I didn't even know there was more healing to be had.

Of course, of course there's more healing to come
memories still pounce on me once in awhile
but there's more good ones than painful ones, and those ones,
I breathe through so that the pain doesn't sit and fester.

Awhile back I started writing morning pages prompted by Jamie Ridler Studios
prompted by Julia Cameron, author of The Artist's Way.
Create a space for your consciousness to write freely
for 30 days,  every day, 30 mins or 3 pgs.
It is a Goddess-sent gift...still in November
It's where I gain clarity about things I didn't know were unclear
Where I dump all the tornadoe-ing thoughts
Where I throw out the useless ones (guilt, shame, denial)
and strengthen the authentically ME ones...

In these pages I realize the ME that I thought I was/am
has been transformed into...well, is still morphing into her Self.
The other day I was trying to figure out where I stand with dating
('cause I'm single every other weekend don't you know!)
Am I ready? why do I want to? Is it a healthy choice right now?
How about  "friends-with-benefits" instead??
And my consciousness starts waving her arms frantically, yelling -
RESPONSIBILITY FOR SOMEONE ELSE??!!??  HELLO???
BURDENN!!  COMMITTMENNT!!
ARE YOU FREAKING CRAZY??!!??

OK, so apparently not even sex is not worth all that...
and if that's how I really feel, well then
sheesh I don't need to tell me twice!

Except I still feel lonely...

After much calmer 3 pages later, I get my answer...

I am worth spending the time with and getting to know more intimately
I am worth treating with respect and nurturing and nourishing
I am worth the time and effort and committment and responsibity
I am worth supporting & believing in
I can be my own new lover...and put all the effort into myself instead.

When I treat myself with the same love I would another
I create the strongest foundation and roots to my Self, Goddess,
my daughter and to others.
It's through this Self-knowing that I stop ducking around myself,
be the ME that I'm meant to be in the THE BIG PLAN
To fully live my life so that I can start experiencing
all the wonderful parts of my journey.

I understand now why some choose to "marry" themselves
to unite with as much excitement and gusto as they would another...
to committ to a lifetime together
through thick and thin, good times & bad, sickness & in health.
because if all else fails
there's still Me, my Self and I...and nothing can tear that bond.

and as a wedding gift to myself?
rechargeable batteries
and a new pen.