self care through grief 101

sometimes
occassionally
from time to time
i go to places i shouldn't go to...

in my mind, in my triple heart warmer and in my hara
there are places that i need to avoid for now and places i need to sit in the thick of it.

to discern which is which is challenging
i lie and tell myself that this place is good...i need to see reality...
a big ugly lie that pours acid on my rawness
and burns even deeper wounds.

this is what this has done for me...
it is giving me the gift of choosing
healthy, nourishing and balancing
or
crushing, depleting and derailing.

choices that i didn't feel i always had the power to have input into...
choices that scare the crap outta me
choices that remind me that i'm still learning to care for myself
and like a child i know what's safe & not...and sometimes choose otherwise.

this morning I chose not....
but,  i got this instead:

"never, never, NEVER let your memories become bigger that your dreams."

i got re-directed...someone else over-rode my choice today (i know Who)

i can sit on the rollercoaster of suffocating memories of cruel lies and betraying acts
or i can get off that ad nauseum
and paint trees, build hope, journey to my heart...

live into my future instead of die with the past.

thank You for the reminder.

can You stick around...just in case...