I not We

There is a shift that's occurred... in me, in my perspective of my life now and what needs laying to rest.

Tragedies bring us to our knees, blow us to smithereens or make us feel like it's not worth living anymore.  My own personal tragedy did all those to me...I scrambled to make it all right, to do what was asked of me...to salvage what I thought was worth saving.  When Truth finally said enough was enough and dragged my aching heart out of that soul crushing life, I fought her every step of the way, although deep down, I knew Truth was right in her desire to preserve what last ounces of dignity I had left.

I didn't believe that time would lend itself to healing or wanting any other life than the one I had...I believed only in my pain, sorrow and regret. I didn't believe that my daughter and I could be happy in our new life without him...I believed that this would pass, that forgiveness on all our parts would heal the cruelty and that we were meant to continue walking this road together.

despite Reality...

Reality was a bitch, she taunted me with memories that haunted me during the day and tormented me in my dreams. Reality threw fucking shit into my face every pick-up and drop-off...and reality was uncompassionately sobering.

Reality brought clarity, perspective and her good friend Truth once more. Reality still hurts...but man it's better than self-deluding lies.

Reality is gifting me the opportunity to put myself back together with brutal honesty about my strengths and weaknesses and by forgiving myself for my mistakes.

In Terri St. Clouds poem "Best Parts", she wrote about this part of healing so beautifully that these words are now carved into my healing canvas:

she let go of the shame

and the guilt.

seeing that she couldn't have

become who she was

without those past mistakes.

it was time to

honor them

and thank them,

and know that they were

some of the best parts

of her.

I know now what I didn't know these past few months...

This tragedy has been a gift...it still is...I'm discovering the depths of my strength, my integrity and especially the expansiveness of my Mother Love.  My aspirations are not limited by anyone else anymore because they have been birthed out of a death that I alone triumphed through.

I am my own hero.